The Pagan Peace Plan

With the Gaza pullout dominating the headlines, I thought it might be a good idea to reexamine this:

Pagan Peace Plan


There are few issues as contentious and frenetic as the crisis between the Israelis and the Palestinians in the Mid-east. I guess when folks begin mixing monotheistic religion with politics and then some water rights and land issues get thrown in, we can expect things to get completely out of hand. But I’ve figured out a way to get past some of this, and today I’m taking the opportunity to present my own peace plan: a Pagan Peace Plan for the land once known as Canaan.
Before there was an Israel, before there was a Palestine, the area in question was known far and wide as Canaan. It was inhabited by Canaanites. It’s said by a good number of archeologists and historians that they weren’t Jews and they weren’t Arabs. They were Canaanites and they were there first.
The Canaanites were, much to the rabbis’ dismay, pagans. Remember the Battle of Jericho where “the walls came tumbling down”? Those guys were trying to kill all the Canaanites, every man, woman and child. Supposedly, Joshua and company were under orders from, you know, the ONE God. What kind of god demands such genocide, you may ask? Folks are arguing that point to this day. A god with…um..serious social skills issues? I guess!
In any case, I’m not going to bore you with all the biblical details. Who knows if they’re true anyway. The Canaanites had gods, but more importantly goddesses of their own to contend with. First, there was Asherah, the Mother of the Gods. It’s said she had 70 children and that kings were nourished from her breasts. She was very cool. One of her children apparently was Astarte, Queen of Heaven. Another was Anath, Goddess of the Underworld, Goddess of War. Some believe these two were one-in-the-same, sort of bi-polar. But the deal with Anath is that she really kicked butt. It’s said she wallowed in human blood up to her thighs. Yuck!
But, along came the Hebrews and the Arabs and soon enough the Canaanites are out of luck: their cities sacked, their homeland invaded and occupied, their children terrorized. Flash forward a few millennia and what have you got? More blood and guts! The two invaders of Canaan at each other’s throats; they both think the place is theirs, that THEY are the chosen people. No way! They’re both trespassers on Canaanite soil! In fact, if I were Ariel Sharon or some Hamas leader, I’d watch my ass. Who wants to piss off Anath??
But hey, seriously, it’s the 21st Century and we’re all civilized people now, right? Let’s let bygones be bygones. Why don’t both parties simply admit they don’t REALLY own the place and figure out how best to live in what’s actually a sort of squatter situation? Perhaps a little reality check like that might bring those flaming egos and all that vengeful anger down a notch or two. After all, it’s the original inhabitants and their gods and goddesses who actually OWN the land. The people making a mess of things today are just their guests, and at this rate they’ve about worn out their welcome.